"Green Hornet" Movie Review

Hello. Today, I will be reviewing "The Green Hornet". Now, you might be asking yourself, "What is the Green Hornet?". It was a popular TV show back in 1966. It only aired for one year. So I guess Seth Rogan thought that if the TV show did that bad, he could turn that lump of coal into a diamond.WRONG! First of all,
let the record show, Seth Rogan is not an action star. When I picture Rogan, I picture some lazy asshole who sits around a beaten down house and parties by himself every night. Basically he is what our parents don't want us to be. He has done some pretty good movies in the past that have given him some street cred, but really? An action-comedy? What the hell was this jacknob thinking? He even boasted that he had been working out and getting in shape for the role. Thats a load of BUUUUUULLLLLSHHHHIT. Whenever you see him he looks like he is about to burst. Alright, I'll get back to shitting on Seth a little later because I really want to tell you what I thought of this movie.
Alright so the movie starts out with Britt Reid the son, AKA some random kid they found on the street that had a jew-fro just like Rogan. He got in trouble for defending a girl who was being picked on. Yay for the school disciplinary system. His dad James Reid (who is the owner of a newspaper) basically tells him that he is a retard for even trying to help people because he can't even fight. So we know right from the beginning the Green Hornet isn't going to be a fighter. His dad takes his superhero action figure and rips his head off because everyone knows thats how you raise kids.
It skips ten years later because you know he is just being a big pussy throughout those ten years, and oh wow, whadya know? He is a big party douchebag. Didn't see that one coming did ya? Yeah right. He still has daddy issues of course because he's a pantiwaist, and he is still a screw-up. Now we introduce the villain of the movie. His name is Benjamin Chudnofsky. He is a badass Russian with a double-barreled Desert Eagle. Thats pretty badass. Enough of the villain, back to the story. So Britt Reid's dad dies due to a "bee sting". Yeah thats a convincing story. And he is guilt ridden and cannot understand why daddy never loved him. I think if I was the father of that little shit I could understand. Moving forward, he wakes up one morning and notices his coffee tastes like shit. He later finds out that the guy who made his coffee is Kato (Jay Chou). He gets Kato to come back just so he can make him a cup of coffee and also offers him a job at his newspaper business he didn't want anything to do with in the beginning. He later learns that Kato is an engineering,
drawing, kung-fu master. Oh wait, did I mention he can build cars that are basically tanks?. Yeah, just so happened he could do it all. So with Kato at his side, Seth Rogan has the great idea of going out and posing as bad guys but actually being the good guys so they don't have to own up for all the shit they do. Yet again, yay for morals. Kato comes up with the name "Green Hornet" and it sticks. So they go out and start doing stupid shit and you notice that Kato is kickin ass while Reid can't fight for shit. If he did it would be like sending out a lamb to fight a T-Rex. Remember Jurrassic Park? Yeah. Lamb dies. In the Green Hornet TV show, Britt Reid was toned and a slick badass. In this, not so much at all. So everything is good but Britt Reid can't seem to see that Kato is doing all the work and he blabs all the time about how it was so awesome when he kicked the shit out of the thugs. If you watch the movie (pray that you never have to unless you are at gunpoint),  whenever there is a fight scene, Kato beats everything to shit. The only time Seth Rogan beats some ass is at the end when he somehow can slow down time like Kato and beat up people. He is useless is a fight for the whole movie up until that point. Kato tries to be nice and makes a knock-out gas gun for him for being the useless piece of crap Britt Reid is. Britt gets all upset because his tiny manhood is being called out, and proceeds to shoot himself in the face with the gun. Didn't see that one coming.....Oh I forgot to mention Cameron Diaz plays his hot secretary. She must have been really desperate after Knight and Day. Being the hot girl in the movie and all, its only natural that both Kato and Reid fight for who is gonna bone her first. Kato wins but doesn't tell Reid which causes a big friend fight and Britt Reid gets his ass handed to him like no other. While they fight each other, the Russian villain gets a new name because everyone says that he isn't as scary as the other bad guys. They say that until he pulls his double-barreled Desert Eagle out and wastes them. He then becomes "Bloodnofsky", and decides to wear all red. I thought the British learned that lesson in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812. Guess he never knew that piece of history. He gets pretty pissed that the Green Hornet is causing him trouble so he arranges to have them killed. This movie is pretty damn predictable. You find out at the end that Britt Reids father wasnt killed by a bee sting but by the District Attorney, who injected Reid's father with the poison from bee stings. Clever. Probably the most clever part of this movie. Britt and Kato get into a huge chase scene and then have some pretty good action sequences at the newspaper building. Bloodnofsky gets capped and the District Attorney falls down like a million stries and splats with a car on top if him. Alls good right?....Yeah I guess its pretty good. The movie ends with Britt and Kato gettin in their super car and driving into the distance.
ALRIGHT! Now that I'm done talking about that crappy movie experience, I can now dump on Seth Rogan. At the end credits, guess who wrote the movie? Seth freakin Rogan. In my head there was a click and I just then figured out why the movie was such a bag of cat ass. Seth Rogan needs to stick to his "I'm one greasy, nasty, dirty son-of-a-bitch" role. He isn't good at anything else. Do you see Zach Galifianakis making action movies? HEEEEEELLLL NO! Thats because he knows his place is with comedy. Rogan needed to be taught a lesson and writing the script for this movie was the perfect way to show him how much he sucks balls at it. God the Chinese had it right when they called the Green Hornet TV show the "Kato Show". That was the only good thing about the movie, Jay Chou. Now he has to live with the fact he starred in a shitty movie. There really is nothing left to say other than suck my balls Seth Rogan! Due to your shitty screenplay and false previews, I wasted a perfectly good free movie ticket. My NEW rating for this movie is!:  Go rent it, not worth your time at the movies. So thats like a 6 out of 10.